Hard Journal Entry, 8/26/01, Sunday -- It is Sunday evening and I am at the park, the last pavilion in fact. I am here because I have grown increasingly agitated with myself. I have become increasingly angry with my nature as a man, but even more so, my inability to recon with my sinful nature. I am sure that many this day, this age would simply say that this guilt cannot be vanquished, that the precepts and standards of the Christian faith cannot, alas, ever be satisfied and fulfilled entirely. Although I could easily agree with that, based upon my own insufficiencies, I know full well in my heart that it simply isn't so. I have considered working hard at reconstructing the details associated with my present distraction, but I am fearful of a full and total disclosure, not that I am doing anything illegal. However, it may be more a matter of pride than anything else. I have disclosed the essence of this distraction, but I have no wise given him a full accounting. This I could not do. I would as soon give my Lord such a full accounting, and Ih ave done so, but it has not resulted in my final conquering of the same. This is not the first time that I have approached this same crossing [in the road]. I've been here many times before, and perhaps this is why each time it seemingly becomes even more doubtful that I will abandon the path I now trod for that of the one I now see before me. The question is, how do I make the change and make it stick? I did change paths two years ago when I sought out the Catholic Church, but somewhere along the new road I was on I stopped and backed up to the crossing where I was tempted to walk the old road I had before abandoned. (This is the most I've written in my journal in quite a while.) Prayer does help, but I need to get away from my home to do it, so it seems. Why? Perhaps because there is an accumulation of bad deeds, bad thoughts, bad spirits that I have called to that place. Here I thought my conjuring days ended in the death of whomever I was allegedly to have been. (If this is nothing more than an illusion, then so be it.) Perhaps Bhala still lives within me, if not in consciousness, certainly within the essence of his memories. (If this is untrue, may God please forgive me.) If the reader does not understand this last paragraph, then may I suggest a more thorough examination of my past journals, especially those that date back to the 1970s. Things change. Ther is no doubt of this for it is a common fact. But, when those among us seek to alter governments, monetary systems, and accepted political norms, we risk undoing much. Because of our impatience, we can and often do cause much harm to come about. As I study history regarding Socialism and Communism, I see man's efforts running amuck. The Utopia that we allege to strive for in actuality becomes a living hell for millions. The truth is, the end does not justify the means. However, the means will almost always determine the outcome. Using violence to bring about a new political order, without any just cause, will only generate more [heartache and pain for millions of people] as well as violence. The only thing it will achieve is pain and suffering. So this is what I fight against…. If you have an interesting take on the news, on an important societal issue, or you would simply like to express your thoughts on a given subject, we invite you to send it along to GKO. Send it along to us using the appropriate link you will find on our contact page.